#NotAshamedOfInfertility

Let's talk about something we don't like to talk about.  

Infertility...Say it out loud.  Shout it even.  And what happens is that people get uncomfortable.

We don't want to talk about it.  We don't want to mention it to those we see every day. Those that do know that you struggle with it might try to make you feel better about it with kind words and optimism.  Some days, those that struggle with it feels that it defines them.  It feels like it runs their lives.  They are the man or woman that can't make/carry/have a baby.  And in the end, we feel ashamed.  

We can't have what our heart desires.  We can't give our spouse what they desire.  

And with those thoughts it is so easy to feel that we are alone, even with our spouse walking right beside us.  We feel that there is no one out there that understands our pain, our struggle, our journey.  

To be honest, there are days that I want to climb to the very top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs.  IT'S NOT FAIR!  WHY ME? WHY US? WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A CHILD WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN BEING KILLED, ABUSED, AND NEGLECTED BY UNFIT PARENTS?  WHY IS IT THAT DRUNK TEENAGERS CAN GET PREGNANT, WHEN WE CAN'T?

But I realized something.  Maybe we aren't going through this because of something we did or because it will help us grow (though it will).  Maybe we are going through this because we need to understand what someone else is going through.  

Isn't that what Jesus did for us?  

It wasn't that God needed to know what it was like to hunger, thirst, or need sleep.  But He, in His infinite wisdom, sent His Son down to Earth to learn what it meant to be human, to understand our struggles.  

Now, I am in NO WAY trying to compare myself to Jesus.  I'm a pessimistic, smart-mouthed, anxious, and sometimes mean, person.  I struggle with my sins just like anyone else.  But what I am trying to see is the bigger picture: That though the struggle seems unfair and though the journey seems long, maybe Mike and I are traveling it because there is someone else out there who needs us to truly understand.  

Know that where ever you find yourself today, no matter what struggles you are facing, we are there for you.  We might not be on the same journey, we might not be experiencing the same things, but know that you aren't alone.  

#NotAshamedOfInfertility #TellYourStory

Cana

Music Monday: Shake by Mercy Me

So for those who know me, music is a big part of my life.  So as we have started going through the process of adopting, I have actually created a play list for me to listen to when I'm up or down about the whole journey. 

 

Today is Shake by Mercy Me
 

Hope you enjoy!

Cana

This Is My Story, This Is My Song

Stories can be full of heroic acts, divine intervention, and miracles.  They can also be the things that give us courage to step off of the ledge to fly to our next destination.  Stories can make you sad, excited, lonely or full of hope.  And when you tell your story, you find others like you, some already finished with the struggle, and some that are going through the struggle.

The adoption consultants we are going to be working with to help us through our adoption told us that one of the reasons that people don't use them is because they don't want to tell their story.  They don't want people to know who they are, what they have struggled with, and why they are adopting.  And that thought keeps coming to me: I need to tell my story.  And honestly, I can only tell half of the story, because my husband is the other half of it.

So, like any good story, it has a beginning...

I'm the oldest of 4 children, and the oldest of 6 grandchildren.  My parents were both told that they would never have bio children, but God obviously had other plans.  A year and month after my parents were married, I was born.  So, my parents named me after Jesus' first miracle (John 2:1-11), because I was their first miracle.  And after me, my parents ended up with 3 more bundles of joyful and feisty children.

I have pretty much always wanted to have children.  And for the most part, I wanted to have quite a few children.  For a little while as a teenager, I kind of despised children, but I will blame that on the hormones and having siblings that were several years younger than me.

Fast-forward to my adult years, I was 18+, wasn't dating, hadn't met anyone that I wanted to date let alone marry.  I started looking into adoption as an option for children.  I honestly wasn't expecting to ever get married.  I expected to be the crazy old cat lady who took in children and fur babies.

And then I met Mike.  We started out as friends, but it grew into so much more.  3.5 years later, we got married.  I thought that adoption might be something that we would do later, or maybe not at all.  I mean, we were getting married.  We would have bio kids....

But from the start, we saw that there was something preventing us from getting pregnant.  We didn't try to prevent getting pregnant. We tracked my fertility & cycle.  We tried things that I had read about to help us get pregnant (i.e., diet, exercise, etc.).  We tried and tried to get pregnant, but it wasn't happening (Now I know, some of you reading this are going, "but it's hasn't been long enough... There is still time to keep trying."  BUT, remember I'm only giving part of the story. The part that is mine to tell).  So 3 months into our marriage, I started looking into adoption, because I realized on at least one level that adoption was quite possibly the only way that we would grow our family.

It still took several more months before Mike and I were on the same page about adoption.  He had hopes that the issue would be resolved and we would be able to get pregnant.  And to be honest, I still held out hope too.

This is not to say that I still don't struggle with the idea of not being able to have bio children.  The fact is, there are some days that I do struggle with it.  And sometimes I wish God would give me an explanation on why we will only have beautiful children brought to us through adoption and not through birth. 

But today is a new day.  I'm sharing my story.  I'm sharing this so that I know (and you can know) that we aren't alone.  Our highs, our lows, the surprises we find, the losses we have, the adventure of it all, we need to share with others.  Life is full of stories.  So no matter how insignificant you think it is or how painful it is to tell it, share your story.  Because I truly believe there is someone out there that needs to hear it.

Cana

The Start of Something New

As many of you know, we are adopting (if you are new to following our blog, then this might be a surprise.  For those of you that have been in any contact with us here on the blog, facebook or in person, you know this already!)

We have been saving up for the adoption now for a couple of months.  And we will continue to save until we reach our goal.  It is slow going, but we are working hard to reach it. 

A lot of y'all have been asking about us having a GoFundMe campaign. 

And here it is!




If you want to go to our GoFundMe campaign, Click Here. 

Please know that we are not asking for your money.  If you want to donate, please feel free to. 

We greatly appreciate all your love and support as we travel this path towards growing our family!

Mike & Cana

Music Monday: Dream for You by Casting Crowns

Happy Monday!

So for those who know me, music is a big part of my life.  So as we have started going through the process of adopting, I have actually created a play list for me to listen to when I'm up or down about the whole journey. 

 

Today is Dream For You by Casting Crowns
 

Hope you enjoy!

Cana

Someday by Alison Mcghee & Peter Reynolds

Ask Mike, and he will verify this.  When we go into a store that carries books, I always go and look.  I will scan and take pictures of books I want for myself. But something I have been doing for the past year and a half is looking for our future child's library.  And I have officially bought the first book for Baby Brown's library!

 
Someday is a book that is for both parents and children, no matter how you have them.  And I love that.  It is about a parent imagining their child growing from infant to an old adult.  From counting their tiny toes to the child remembering their mother and father. 

But for me, it is more than just a story to tell our child.  For me it is a book of hope. Someday all this waiting will be over.  Someday we will have a least one child.  Someday we will tell our children the story of how they came to be, how they were always meant to be in our family.

Until then, I think I'll leave this beautiful little book out for all to see.  Just a reminder of someday.

Cana

Music Monday - If We're Honest

So for those who know me, music is a big part of my life.  So as we have started going through the process of adopting, I have actually created a play list for me to listen to when I'm up or down about the whole journey. 

 

Today is If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli



Hope you enjoy!

Cana

A Penny Saved Is a Penny Earned

“God Knew that it doesn't matter how your children get to your family.  It just matters that they get there."  Kira Mortenson

When you think about adoption, about your children that are out there, just waiting for you, you know it doesn't matter what you have to do to get them.  It only matters that in the end they are with you.

What is hard to accept is the cost of adoption.  There is no such thing as a free adoption.  On average, adoptions range between $18,000-60,000 depending on where you adopt from and how quickly the adoption takes place.  That cost doesn't count what you pay for outside of the agency.  Things like home renovation aren't accounted for in those costs.  And still for us, it doesn't matter.

Now, that is not to say that I'm not stressing over where that money will come from.  Because, I totally am stressing at times.  I mean, $18,000 is a LOT of money.  I don't think I've ever seen that much money in one place at one time.  So we did something to help me not stress so much about the money.

We have this jar on our dining room table.  It is a simple, blue mason jar that I bought for our wedding, with one of my scrapbook stickers on it.  Mike chose what the jar would be labeled as, and wrote it on the jar.  He calls it the "Goodbye Geek Room Jar".  I call it our "baby jar".  But in all reality, it is one of our adoption funds. 

Protected by the T.A.R.D.I.S and a Dalek

It is simple and plain.  It isn't very full, but we put in what change and cash we have.  We have jars on our desk at work, and our loving co-workers have helped by putting coinage in the jars too.

It isn't our only funds for our adoption, (No, we have our savings accounts that we are trying to line with the money needed for the adoption) but it is the most visible one.  For me, it is a beautiful, physical reminder that one day, in the place of that simple blue mason jar, we will have a child sitting at our table. 

And that is what helps us keep saving.  We are only 15% towards our first of 2 goals. Once we have reached the first goal, we can start the paperwork, and go through the home study.  And it seems so far away, especially, when you think that 15% is still so far from 100% of just goal #1. 

In the mean time, we are going to keep preparing our hearts and our home for our future child. 

Cana

Music Monday -- Trust In You

Welcome to Music Monday! 

 

So for those who know me, music is a big part of my life.  So as we have started going through the process of adopting, I have actually created a play list for me to listen to when I'm up or down about the whole journey. 

 

Today is Trust In You by Lauren Daigle. 



Hope you enjoy!

Cana