Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Being On The Edge of Hope and Hopelessness

So, I don't know if you are watching The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu, but I am.  For those not familiar with this story, it is in a future where pregnancies are few and fewer still are those who make it full term.  There have been wars, and the US no longer exists, but rather a country call Gilead (a Theocracy) is in its place.  In a place where the Old Testament rules and women are property with no rights or abilities, it is a bleak existence for any one, but it is worse for the handmaids: Forced into a life of being used for their ability to conceive, for the benefit of the leadership of Gilead.  

Now, why am I talking about this on the blog?  Well, it was really the season finale that got me, and I knew I needed to share.  *I promise to try not give any spoilers for those who want to watch still can without fear.* 

It was at the beginning of the episode, and Serena Joy has forced Offred to take a pregnancy test.  And then Serena Joy takes that pregnancy test, gets on her knees and prays to God that it is positive.  

I know it doesn't sound like much, but watching that scene, I was sobbing.  I remember feeling that way with pregnancy tests.  Worse yet, I know that feeling right now in our adoption.  That feeling of being on the edge of hope and giving up hope.  Like wanting to cry and vomit and laugh and run away, all in a single moment.  There is no other feeling like it, and it is the worst feeling ever.

Right now I'm feeling this way, because I just experienced my first real health crisis ever.  I was actually admitted to the hospital for a few days, and am now on the road to recovery.  But that puts a hold on trying to save money for the adoption from our paychecks, because now we will have a hospital bill and an ER bill to pay.  

I can't help but feel that every time we take a step forward in this, we get shoved back another 5.  There are days where I feel like we've made no progress at all.  And there are days where I feel like all I am doing is crying, praying, asking God to give us a child. 

It's such a fine line, but giving up means saying good by to the dream of being a mother.  And maybe, where I am today is where you are struggling with your own dream.  It might not be motherhood that is your dream.  It might be a great job, or having a spouse.  It might be your dreams of travel or you dreams of stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something crazy.  I don't know where you are, but if you are on the fine line of hope and hopelessness, don't give up.  

It's hard for a reason, because the outcome will be worth the pain.  


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