Warning: This is a post that has been sitting in my drafts for over a month. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, as it is raw and emotional (I can't even read it without crying). But I realized that there are others who are experiencing the same thing right now and need to know that they are not alone. As you read this, know that you are not alone.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy." Psalm 30:11
Everyone talks about loss in adoption, in regards to that first feelings when you realize biological children aren't in God's plan for you. But another part of loss in adoption, and that is a subject that few people talk about. It is that moment when you have been chosen by a family and it falls through for whatever reason.
In January, we had been contacted by a family about adopting two children, and we were so excited. We got our homestudy, we told our family and some close friends. We told our church. We knew that we were on our way to growing our family.
And then right before Easter, it was over.
I knew when we decided to adopt that we might experience this, but when it happened, it was so much harder to deal with the hurt than I imagined. Maybe it was because we had already met the children. Maybe it was because we had started to prepare rooms, gather decor, and get a few miscellaneous things like books/activities for the children. Maybe it was because we had to tell everyone that this wasn't going to happen, that we were having to start over.
I will be honest, I still can't tell this story without tearing up. I mean, I had prepared my heart to be these children's mother, and then it was all gone. Several of my good friends told me it was just like a miscarriage, without the hormonal aspects. Though I've never had a miscarriage, I can't imagine the loss of a child beyond my own experience. And it has been, and is excruciating.
How do you heal and pick yourself back up again to risk this loss? How do you deal with the looks from people when you have to tell them that the adoption fell through and you are working on the next step of starting over? And how do you not blame yourself, even though everything is out of your hands when it comes to this?
And I don't have a good answer for any of it, as there are no perfect answer. We are still picking up the pieces and we are still working on being ready to be able to adopt (whenever that should happen). And we will keep working on the adoption, until God shows us that we need to stop.